“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
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You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?