My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
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Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
when someone rings the doorbell
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one