dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
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Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.