“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
You Might Also Like
Ok but actually
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
incredible text to wake up to
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out