“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
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Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Saturday
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying