MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
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Body by cheese-puffs.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Well, this explains it:
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE