date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
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Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “