me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
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me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name