Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
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*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
had to make it
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”