[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
You Might Also Like
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift