when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
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I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
huge if true: the moon
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.