I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
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[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.