Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
You Might Also Like
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”