While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
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WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Stop it! 😂
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
😂😂😂
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Yup
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.