Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
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Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
For cardio I live beyond my means.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago