Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
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*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
lmfao
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health