Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
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[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.