My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
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I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
This is hilarious….
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.