Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
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Single and childfree like Jesus
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection