My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
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Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.