I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
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The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.