IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
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The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
😎 🍻
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.