worst…sale…ever
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Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol