[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
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Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor