bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
You Might Also Like
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.