I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
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I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
kids play hide and seek like
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.