The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
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why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.