My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
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Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
i love modern commerce
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”