I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
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[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.