A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
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Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*