They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
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I’d hang this in my house.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Yes
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
crying
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children