*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
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Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.