I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
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Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
In Russia, Pokemon find you.