idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
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excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”