1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
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Ain’t no way
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
What a chick magnet..
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.