Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
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Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I think I’ll stand
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”