[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
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I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I never needed anything more in my life
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW