Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
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The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
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Cat armor
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How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
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If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?