After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
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At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
The real reason evolution started..😂
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
what is cheese if not milk persevering
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.