From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
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Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Punctuation Matters. Period.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
What a chick magnet..