He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
The Others (2001)
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
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