Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
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Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
no regrets
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it