*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
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the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”