I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
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My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.