*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
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I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.