Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
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I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven