*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
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one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.