the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
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The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.