Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
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ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Beauty and the Beast
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.