PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
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Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.